Philosophical Reflections on Spam

If you are reading this article hoping for actual philosophical reflections on spam…you have my deepest sympathies.  Wow.  You must really be bored with your life to read an article like that.  I mean, I’m not going to read this article…and I wrote it. But, since you are here, let’s take a shot at waxing philosophical about spam anyway. Here is what Plato said about spam in the Republic:

Spam, stripped to its essence, is the perfect example of the theory of forms.  Imagine a man in a cave who sees shadows on a wall.  He sees these shadows, which are actually cast by objects outside of the cave, but he thinks the shadows themselves are real; he mistakes them for the real things. We are all just as that man is.  We can’t see the real things, the FORMS, which are the true things; we only see their shadows.  And spam is like that.  As something that is supposed to be food but isn’t, it perfectly represents that mysterious unknowable FORM of a thing, as in the cave analogy.  Of course, the guy in the cave eats the spam and then hurls all over the place, making him want to…wait, what?  You mean the OTHER kind of spam – the computer kind?  Well, why didn’t you say so?  Philosophy only has one thing to say about that: Spam sucks.”

As some of my readers have noted, I’ve been having some serious spam problems.  And I’ve decided to make a philosophical statement with my solution.  Rather than just doing what normal people do and put in a “CAPTCHA” thingie, I instead am making you come back to hard facts and philosophical truths…that’s right, if you want to comment you’re gonna have to do some basic math.  The CAPTCHA is representative of the philosophical subjectivism which I so detest – it represents false meaning and arbitrary randomness.  But 2 + 2 = 4 is a statement of objective fact that makes all postmodernists shiver in their ill-advised t-shirts, the t-shirts they chose to wear on a cold day even though their mother warned them not to, just because “the world is subjective, mom, really, you need to become more enlightened.”  As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by a bad metaphor, 2 + 2 = 4 is a philosophical truth that cannot be gotten around.  So, my postmodernist reader, think of that every single time you are forced to do math in order to comment!  BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Seriously, if this math thingie doesn’t work, let me know.  I am very hesitant to make it more difficult to comment than necessary, but I got awfully tired of simply trying to delete all spam by hand as it occurred.  So I’m gonna try this thingie and see if it works.  If it doesn’t, I’ll try something else.  More updates as spam-related events warrant.

A further update: I don’t like the way the new feature makes the comments look.  I particularly note that my own comments are not set aside as different from all the rest.  That hurts my already-fragile ego.  But I’m working on it!  (Not my ego, you scornful reader…the comments!) Thou shalt have thy sword, knave, or thou shalt see no more mingled lights, forsooth, and anon.

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