The Top 5 Worst Christian Movies of All Time

I have lamented before (see this post) on the rather embarrassing state of Christian movie-dom.  In short, Christians are to movies what Republicans are to social programs…what Democrats are to spending cuts…what Pat Robertson is to Biblical interpretation…what Richard Dawkins is to reasonable argument.  We just don’t seem to quite have the knack of it.

Yet, I must admit that I’ve perhaps failed to see the positive side of our bad movie-making.  Namely: The most entertaining things in the world are things done really badly.  Think about some really boring thing, like watching golf on TV.  I mean, no self-respecting person can watch golf on TV when it’s played well.  You watch a close up…of a ball…flying…through the…air.  (Be still, my heart!  Oh, the suspense!  I wonder if that ball will ever land? Are those dimples fake or real?) But when someone does something really bad – like, say, when a professional golfer smacks a ball into the crowd, and it happens to hit a celebrity political figure and causes them to lose an election – well, now, that’s entertainment!  The only golf highlight of my entire life that I actually remember enjoying was when this professional golfer 8-putted on a hole.  I mean, he eight-putted!  Back and forth, back and forth, missing short put after short put.  Now that was entertaining!

Well, it is in that spirit that I’m proud to say we Christians have excelled at making bad movies.  I have been reading about major mainstream movie flops lately (did you know there was one movie that grossed only $20? True story.  I mean, that’s a movie production with what?…two people who watched it, nation-wide? Maybe four people, if it was a matinee?), and I’m very pleased to say that Christians have outdone them all.  So when you read the list of bad movies in this series of posts, take heart: You are reading about some of the worst attempts at art that humanity has ever produced.  The sheer joy of watching horribleness is worth the price of each of these movies.  Enjoy!

I had originally intended to post all five at once, but the post was getting kind of long…and I only made it to number 2…and I’m lazy…so I’m going to do this one at a time.  We’ll start with what is unarguably the worst movie in human history.  Next week we’ll pick up with #2.

  1. Apocalypse. 

It really takes a special blend of badness to be this bad.  But this movie has that blend.  It is incomprehensibly bad.  Horribly bad.  Painfully – yet joyfully—horribly bad.  First, it looks like it was shot with a 1970s camcorder.  I’m serious.  I don’t know what separates movie-ish cameras from regular video cameras, but this movie demonstrates that something does.  Plus, the script-writing is absolutely painful.  It’s supposed to be an end-times thing through the eyes of some news people, but it basically turns into a mish-mash of incomprehensible events that seem to have no connection with each other.

But for all that, the supreme entertainment in this movie is the acting.  It is so very, very, very bad.  Holy cow!  I have never seen worse acting in my entire life.  It is like watching those characters in bad infomercials who are intentionally paid to look stupid.  (Big-haired actor says in shockingly over-enthusiastic manner, with giant plastic smile: “Like you, I once had a serious case of face barnacles.  But then I discoveredFace Barnacle-Be-Free!”).  If this were golf, and they were trying to make a putt, this wouldn’t be an eight-putt…they would still be putting after 15 years.  I have often encouraged my friends to watch this movie just to watch the bad acting.  It’s fantastic!

What’s curious about the bad acting (and the movie more generally) is that the same company produced a second installment in the series, called Judgment – and I actually really like that movie.  It still has some bad acting (especially from Mr. T), but mostly it’s well-done.  And in fact, one of the main characters from Apocalypse (the female reporter) who does such a bad job in that movie is really great, I think, in Judgment.  But Judgment isn’t a good enough movie for me to recommend you to watch it; Apocalypse, however, is so bad that it is worth watching.  Go get it today!  You won’t be sorry.  You won’t be able to stop telling all your friends about it tomorrow.

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