10 More Rules to Live By

So let’s just say it in plain and clear language: My rate of electronic linguistic generation has been positively languid, not to say listless, in the past few weeks.

Whew!  It felt good to get that off my chest, all plain and clear like. [Apologetic Editorial Staff Note: Not even the pompous idiot that is our senior writer is that incompetent at typing a sentence.  He is, however, still unfunny. For those of you who don’t have a Thesaurus handy and thus were not aware what his failed attempt at humor meant, he was trying to apologize for failing to post in over a month.  We realize the apology is unnecessary – we are all of course happiest when he does not post].

OK, seriously, I think I’m going to start firing some of my editorial staff.  [Staff: Major existential hilarity ensues.] Back to the point.  So the good news is that I’m back from a month-long and not-entirely-intentional hiatus from blog posting.  (I blame Grundy – his thoughtful post made me think so hard my hair started complaining of excessive heat.  That just ain’t right).

The bad news is that I am still a terrible communicator.  But you must take some responsibility, too.  Why are you even reading this stuff?

Anyhoo, just so you don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, my wonderful readers, before I leave again for a week-long vacation with my family, I’m going to post 10 More Rules to Live By.  The one of you who actually read it may remember the original, and (judging by blog post stats) wildly unpopular “10 Rules to Live By,” which you can access here.  I post sequels to such incredibly unpopular things because I care about you.  Or because I’m lazy.  Or because I’m inspired by Hollywood making a sequel to the Expendables.  Seriously — the Expendables? That was really worth a second look?

(As an aside, on the original post, you can also see the first instantiation of the popular commenter Ned the Angry Argumentative Guy, an alter ego I sometimes assume to criticize myself in bizarre ways).  

When I get back from vacation, I hope to resume a more normal posting schedule, by which I mean I will try to post once a week but end up posting about twice a month instead.  In the works for the upcoming weeks are What the Cross Means to Me, Are Academics Atheists?, A Review of the Book Misquoting Jesus, a series of cheeky and annoying articles on religion and politics (yikes!), some more movie and television reviews, a shockingly self-absorbed article on the Top 5 Apologetic Professor Posts of All Time (where, as the name implies, I actually rate my own articles), and an article where I code myself for how complex I am. Seriously, doesn’t that sound a little bit interesting?

For now, here are the rules to live by:   

1.  At least once a week, spend time with your children doing something that is more fun for them than it is for you.

2.  If you’re forty years old, become angry at your computer, and must swing your fist at the keyboard to punish it for its insolence…don’t let your fist of doom land anywhere near the “e” key.  If you do, it might break in half.  Hypothetically speaking, of course. Anyway, it turns out that you really, really need the E key.  Try punishing the Q or F11 key instead.

3.  Do not apologize for making reasonable rules for those you are placed in charge of.  It is your duty.

4.  However, you also have an equally-important duty to empathize with and understand the people who must obey your rules (including children, co-workers, and pets).

5.  Despite what health experts will tell you, it is better to die immediately than live in a world where you must eat brussel sprouts.

6.  If you are a parent, you have a responsibility to guide your child.  If you shirk this responsibility under the guise of modern the children have equal say dogma, you will still guide your children anyway – only most likely you will guide them down the wrong path.

7.  If you are driving from Billings towards North Dakota, you will discover what all academic scholars have long maintained…North Dakota does not actually exist.  You can drive forever in eastern Montana and never reach North Dakota.

8.  At least once a week, quietly let someone ahead of you in line without ever getting credit for it.

9.  Despite all the hype you hear, professional wrestling is, in fact, real.

10.  Political elections in in America are, of course, completely faked.  No one could possibly make this stuff up!

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4 Responses to 10 More Rules to Live By

  1. Re #2: I’ve disabled my “delete” key. Since I’m always right, why would I need to delete anything I write?

    Re #7: Why would anyone want to get to North Dakota?

    Enjoy your vacation!

  2. Grundy says:

    Hope my hair heating saved on the blow drying bill.

  3. The Apologetic Professor says:

    Haha! Thanks for the laughs. You are in fact less in need of the delete key than most people I know! (BTW, I wasn’t actually making that up about the “e” key — I really DID hit my computer and it really DID break that key.)

  4. The Apologetic Professor says:

    Fantastic! I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. (Actually, I don’t typically blow dry my hair, but the light did provide some nice ambience for my recent campfire with my family. Where do I send your bill, haha?)