The Apologetic Professor is Still Alive…But His Former Computer is Not

So the outpouring of concern over my longer-than-usual absence from blogging has been truly…touching.  By which I mean, jeepers, not a single one of you has noticed that I apparently fell off the planet earth for about six weeks.  That’s so like you.  You seem to forget that behind all this cheekiness and all these poorly-constructed attempts at wit, there lurks a living, breathing human being.  You think I’m just a blogger.  You treat us bloggers like dancing ducks that you can watch ironically doing the “Chicken Dance” (ducks have a dry but ironic sense of humor) and then, when you are done, calmly cook us in some kind of fancy wine sauce and devour us for dinner.  Well, enough.  I’m a person, too; I eat kale chips and/or incredibly fattening cheesy bagels just like you do.  Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

OK, seriously, I’m back.  And I want to say that I’m sorry for the long delay in between posts, and particularly sorry that I have not commented on the last excellent round of discussion from you, my beloved readers.  I haven’t been ignoring you.  The reason for the tardiness can be stated in four simple words: I TOTALLY HATE COMPUTERS!  And I don’t mean I hate them in a broccoli kind of way, like “I really dislike the way this thing tastes but I’m quite sure it still has some redeeming value.”  No, I mean I hate them in a rap music or NASCAR kind of way, like “I’m 100% certain the world would have been a way better place if this thing had never existed in any form.”

What happened is this: My former computer, which I actually called “Crash Johnson III,” finally died after a week-long noble fight with some computer technicians.  I was hoping it would be resurrected, largely because I thought that would make a cool Christian metaphor of some kind, but the atheist metaphor won out: At this point, we can be pretty sure that it ain’t comin’ back.

Well, I lost a week while it was in the final throes of computer death, and then I was forced to work an entire month on an eight-year-old computer (named “Old Ironsides”) that literally has a hole in it.  I’m not kidding.  I mean, the computer sort of functions, for some stuff, in a really, really slow kind of way — but did I mention it has an actual hole in it?

In short (haha), I have not been posting or commenting because I have had five or six weeks of existential computer angst during the middle of what is often the busiest time of year for me anyway.  But I am now fully-functioning on a sleek new computer, and while I still expect my response time to be modest at best due to the time of year, I hope it will be closer to “a few days” than to the number of years the average televangelist would need to spend to confess all of their hypocrisy.

If you have actually read this far, I feel really, really sorry for you.  You must have had a super-boring day.  Onward and upward!  I hope you are not a televangelist.

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