Anyone reading the Bible with an objective eye can see that it says some strange things. And I’ve often dreamed of writing a blog post where I took some of those things out of context and imagined what they would be like on a bumper sticker. Well, this is America, pal, the land where dreams come true. So I just followed that dream and here we are – the Top 5 Bible Verses That Will Never Be on a Bumper Sticker.
I’d like to note that I’m completely taking some of these verses out of context – this isn’t a study in correct Biblical interpretation, just a (mostly) lighthearted look at some of the strangeness in the Bible. So please save your angry e-mails!
I’d also like to note that there are many more difficult passages in the Bible that would pose a real interpretation problem – I’m aware of that and I’m not saying these are the hardest passages to understand. Only that they would sound the weirdest on a bumper sticker!
In short, I’d like to ask everyone to chill out, get a latte, eat a porcupine, do whatever you need to do to put you in the right frame of mind for not taking something too seriously. OK?
(I’d also like to thank my sweet daughter Autumn for her help in coming up with these verses. Hi, Autumn!)
Meanwhile, for the many (that is, two) readers yearning for more Substantial Blog Fare, stay tuned – I’m working up my very own original argument for God’s existence, which you can in short order have fun ripping apart to your heart’s content!
1. “Money is the answer to everything.” Ecclesiastes 10:9. My friend Kevin (the one who reads movie blurbs and makes stained glass candle-holders for entertainment) once said he thought it would be funny to put this verse on his refrigerator, as a conversation piece for his Christian friends. I’m beginning to think that Kevin needs to get some better friends.
Psychological aspects The brain also does a very essential act during sexual intercourse. cialis 25mg After some time, this can getting viagra prescription imply that we never again want sex as frequently as we once thought. This viagra pills from canada is an aftereffect of it’s posted like lineaments, for example, dynamic instrument, outcome, occasions, temperances and security. Generic drugs save money and for this reason levitra 20 mg that spam filters were created. 2. “When you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement.” Deuteronomy 23:11. Pretty sound advice, if you ask me. It predates camping etiquette books by several thousand years. Buuuttt…it’s a little odd for a bumper sticker. (Maybe if we shortened it to “cover up your $%#$@” it might fly.)
3. “If anyone looks at a woman lustfully, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28. This one isn’t funny or bizarre – but it will never make it on a bumper sticker because it is the very definition of an inconvenient truth. It would be like putting lightning could strike you today and there is nothing you can do about it on a bumper sticker.
4. “Your hair is like a flock of goats.” Song of Songs 4:1. This was intended as some sort of soaring compliment to a wife’s beauty. It seems to me that the art of complimenting your wife has…improved…a bit over the years. And in any event, it is doubly-weird to try and put a compliment to your spouse (which in that context would likely be essentially interpreted as a pick-up line to the rest of the world) on a bumper sticker – especially if it’s a sub-par effort.
5. “I have become a laughingstock to my friends.” Job 12:4. Hopefully this will never be true of you, but my guess is that if it is, you won’t feel good about buying a bumper sticker and advertising it to the world.
Best of the rest:
6. “Who let the wild donkey go free?” Job 39:5. Several thousand years before “Who Let the Dogs Out,” the author of Job already had the market cornered on stupid pop-culture sayings. (I sometimes imagine all the residents of ancient Canaan wondering around with this on their t-shirts. Then I go get a latte and think of more useful things, like Billy Ray Cyrus and the meaning of table salt.)
7. “The deep had white hair.” Job 41:32. Autumn thought this was funny for some reason…not sure why. But I told her I would put it here anyway – happy, Autumn?
This may not be quite in the spirit you intended, but I nominate one of my personal favorites: “What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church?” (Romans 5:12) It seems pretty straightforward, but history suggests there has been (and is) some confusion about it. My second choice would be “Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.” (Psalm 137: 8-9)
“Your hair is like a flock of goats.” Dammit, if I only read this before Valentine’s Day…
Jack,
About Romans 5:12: I’d buy that bumper sticker! You are totally right. (Actually, for full disclosure, probably the only bumper sticker I’d ever put on my car is my personal favorite: “Hypocrites Against Bumper Stickers.” That needs absolutely no comment.)
Funny you mention that about Psalms 137 — I actually use that verse to as the start of an argument basically invalidating the book “The Prayer of Jabez.” The point — just because someone prayed it in the Bible doesn’t make it a good thing to pray for! I thought about putting it in this post, but figured it was a little too heavy for this one.
BTW, I’ve been swamped, but I did note your compliment on my last piece — I love Dave Barry and I must say that was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about anything I’ve written!
Grundy,
Haha! SEE what you miss by not reading the Bible — a chance to woo that special someone with goat analogies!
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