The Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs of All Time

I absolutely love Christmas music.  In fact, I love it so much that I’ve always restricted the times I listen to it, in a very, very high need for structure way that generally crosses the line from “endearing” to “please-help-me-this-guy-is-super-annoying” – as I was saying, I’ve always endearingly restricted the times that I and the people around me can listen to it, because I want to savor it the way I would savor, say, a maple-covered donut.  You don’t just swallow that like a Mars Bar, man – you gotta enjoy it.

Yet, like all glorious things, even Christmas music has its low points.  The Beatles had Ringo; Justin Bieber had the spikey attack hair (“please don’t point that at me”) phase; the glory of professional basketball is sullied by the 76ers; and Christmas music is sullied by a small reindeer.  Thus, to cheer your heart and wish you a merry Christmas, I bring you: The top 5 worst Christmas songs ever.  We start with what is unquestionably the worst holiday-related item humanity has ever produced.

1.  Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  This song is a cacophony of un-Christmassy badness.  Bullying?  In there.  Social exclusion?  Oh, it’s got it.  Liking someone only after they experience material success?  Check.  I mean, where was Santa when all the reindeer were mean to Rudolf before he was the light-em-up-nose guy who saved him from the fog?  Nowhere to be seen, I tell you.  Nice work, Santa.  Way to stand up for the guy when he needed you most.  The “Rudolf” Santa is like some kind of banker who smiles at you when you have money and leaves you to be taunted by short IRS agents with Napoleon complexes the moment you hit hard times.  And this is what we want our kids listening to at Christmas?  I half expect “Fat Tony” to show up in the second verse and say:

“It’s a foggy Christmas eve, yo

I’ll offer youze some dough

If youze turn your boss man in

I’ll breaka his knees and go”

 

Oh, how Rudolf remembered

That Santa had a lot of dough

So when Santa begged to be saved
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Rudolf said to Santa, @#$#@ no!

But honestly, my hatred of this song has less to do with the bizarre and other-worldly words than with the fact that (a) it is arguably the worst-written tune in tune-writing history, and (b) my daughter sings it…repeatedly…over…and over…and over…again.  (My daughter says: That is SO not true.  Her mom says: Actually, it’s pretty true.)  I hate you, Rudolf!

2.  Santa Claus is Coming to Town.  In some Nordic cultures, this is actually called The Stalking Song.  “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Really.  One of my good friend’s youngest sons told me that, on account of this song, he used to cry at night in abject fear that Santa would be creepily spying on him.  True story.

3. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.  Grandma…got…run…over…by…a…reindeer.  Ohhh….kaaaay.

4.  Jingle Bells.  This song won the International Award for Most Creative Use of Repeatedly Playing Middle C. There are other notes on the piano, James Lord Pierpont! I’m going to need you to focus the next time you write a song that millions of people will be forced to listen to whether they want to or not.

Fortunately, its lack of musical complexity is saved by its lyrical depth.  I note the repeated focus on the one-horse open sleigh (yeah, we got it, buddy, but this is America, and we like two or more horses on our sleighs – and Fresca…we like Fresca, too) and the particularly moving use of the word “hey!”

5. The Little Drummer Boy.  In the words of my daughter, go buy a guitar and get back to me.

The best thing you can say about this song is that it has excellent use of the onomatopoeia: “Pa rum pa pum pum” really does sound like a drum.  Of course, “caw caw” really does sound like a bird, but I don’t want to hear it repeated in a Christmas song a million times.  Call me crazy.

Honorable Mention goes to my daughter’s least favorite Christmas song We Wish You a Merry ChristmasIn addition to the fact that it has the lyrical depth of a half-eaten molecule (whatever that means), talking about figgy pudding just…ain’t natural.

Merry Christmas all!  I know I’ve been promising this for a while, but I really am going to post those political musings (three blog posts’ full, already written!) after the New Year, but I thought a piece criticizing everyone’s favorite Christmas songs would be more festive than ruining my blog by talking about religion and politics.  Caw Caw!

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