South Hills Evangelical Church is Not in the South Hills!

Rarely is my epistemological world rocked these days, but when it is, it is usually my wife that does it.

In a prior post, I was making the point that you should not name something after a place unless it was actually physically located in that place.  Then, to illustrate by way of example, I said:

“South Hills Evangelical Church makes sense as a name because it is actually located in a church building in the South Hills.”

I thought I was being awfully clever. Only it turns out that South Hills Evangelical Church is not in the South Hills.

My wife says it’s actually pretty far away from the South Hills.  To make matters worse – almost as if it was intended to be a symbolic slap at my epistemological sanity – it is located in the middle of the flattest part of the Missoula Valley.  Nothing remotely hill-like about it at all.

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Look, life is hard enough for all of us without having to question the most basic facts about our world.  Here we are, stumbling along trying to figure out the answers to key questions like is God real? and what’s life all about? and can I kill a mosquito without any guilt or do I need just a little bit of guilt? and how many minutes do I need to wait before yelling at the 90-year old lady who can’t find her checkbook in the grocery store line? – I mean, the really big sorts of questions that often involve things we can’t see.  This life is hard enough, I say, without having to question whether or not the South Hills Evangelical Church is actually in the South Hills. 

So, I’m proposing that the government forces the church to move to the South Hills.  In these troubled times, I think we’ll all agree that the best solutions to our many crises involve wasting taxpayer money. That’s what I hear out of Washington, DC, these days, and hey, those folks all have high IQs.  And what better way to waste taxpayer money than to force a large church to move in order to help us all feel better about what we know? 

Think of the potential consequences if we don’t act.  If people everywhere start to question the Basic Facts About the Universe, it could lead to a complete destruction of our way of life!  Imagine an American society where no one believes what Bill O’Reilly or Rachel Maddow says?  How could we possibly go on being a respectable culture if we begin to question whether or not the nightly pinhead on The O’Reilly Factor’s “pinheads and patriots” segment was actually a pinhead?

I know that many of you think it might be better for me to simply re-write my original article so that it uses a different example; one un-corroded by the epistemological stench of the South Hills.  And come to think of it, you may be on to something.  Instead of the government wasting money moving large churches around, I think it should instead waste money paying me to re-write my articles.  I know it’s tough to be involved as a recipient of government waste, but someone’s got to do it.  There is no need to call me a Missoula hero.  Well, don’t call me a Missoula hero anyway, because technically I live in the South Hills.