There is a nasty rumor going around that I’m not alive. To squash this rumor, I’m happy to violate several federal laws and share my own recent medical report with you. As a part of the university’s “wellness” program, a month ago I underwent a series of physical exams. Here is the doctor’s report, word-for-word:
“Patient is obese. % body fat in unacceptably high range. Patient does not exercise and eats a poor diet consisting largely of cheese, donuts, and french fries. His diet has never seen the broad side of anything green. YET, we are also professionally annoyed to report that, in spite of this shockingly unhealthy lifestyle, he is obviously as healthy as horse. An incredibly healthy horse, we mean – not one of the ones you have to put down because its leg is broken. That would be a weird and horrid analogy that should never be put on a blog, even as a bad joke said in passing.”
So you can clearly see that I annoy my doctors, who constantly tell me to exercise and eat more vegetables, and yet who also constantly tell me that they’ve never seen someone so incredibly healthy. (This suggests a low-hanging fruit for the health researcher: Where is the study on the health value of donuts?)
I’d also like to squash another erroneous rumor that, after posting my own argument for the existence of God and having it scathingly reviewed with a “barfing face” sticker, I have crawled back into the hole from whence I came and given up. I laugh an evil laugh at that thought! Bwahahahahahahahaha! (The key to the evil laugh is to breathe deeply and let it go from the gut outwards. Otherwise, you risk pulling an abdominal muscle. That’s truly humiliating. So breathe, people, breathe! Take it from me – I’m in great health and do an evil laugh at least once a day).
Seriously, you don’t know me at all if you think I’m packing it in. Quite the contrary: I love the intellectual challenge and Jack and the atheist/agnostic crowd better get their gear on. In actual fact, I’ve been working on a rebuttal/defense so epic, so annoying, that I want it to be perfect before I present it.
No, what I’m actually feeling is this: I’m embarrassed, genuinely embarrassed, that it’s been so long since my last post. This term has been unusually difficult due to the fact that the federal government gave us some money for a grant (that’s good), but gave it to us like six months late (that’s bad), and then didn’t give us more time on the back end (worse and worse), so we had to cram a lot of work into a short period of time. Now that we are (somewhat) caught up on that, I can breathe again. So be warned! More posts are coming. Breathe! Bwahahahahaha!